I've been very happy. Very content with my situation. Regardless of depression. Despite I'm jobless. Forgetting that my mother will always struggle with a painfully sad, and ultimately fatal disease.. I've pretty much lost my hope. It's sad. I think that's why I've been depressed so much. Feeling like I haven't been doing what I should so that I'm not adding to her stress, the stress that makes her pain worse. That's the worst feeling I feel. I've been happy despite all the reasons to be sad or feel worthless. I know it's because I have such a great person, such an amazing girlfriend, Catherine, who builds me up. Who is always trying to keep me happy. When insomnia hits, It's too hard to forget anything. Memories don't drift away. Everything is stuck in your head and you can't make sense of anything. Listening to the same song over and over, Feeling like you can't avoid any kind of emptiness. I know it's not because of her. Thank God sadness isn't coming from the person who means so much to me..

lol my last blog is so sad and cryptic.. This is basically me saying almost the same thing. I guess not much has changed by way of thinking. I care about my friends more and more.. And at the same time, I feel like no one knows me the more these things keep happening to our family. Finally things have settled down, but I'll never go back to enjoying the sadness like I once did. Depression and Sadness are finally back to feeling like what they should be.. painful. I don't know where I want to be. I know I need a job. I want one. Money makes things so much easier.. I want to go to school this summer. And get back into that process of growing into some kind of career.

But what do you do when nothing you've planned for yourself feels good anymore? It's not like I have an overwhelming feeling of stress or pressure. I just feel empty. I need to vent. I need to write a song that feels this way. I don't want this feeling anymore. I never noticed that it's been there this whole time.

So like I said. Despite this feeling of emptiness, sadness, or depression - whatever it is.. I'm happy. I'm so fucking happy it makes me want to spit in people's faces. She knows how to make me happy despite it all. ♥

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Nine Inch Nails Discography